Starting and stopping.

This has been a theme running through my life for my whole life. It probably is for many people. Yes, I’m sure it is.

The current example for me now, is the blogging, not blogging thing. This is also likely true for many people and not just me!

I started off well with blogging. I think. There was regular inspiration and a dedication to writing. Although I’m not certain that this is the right word at all. Because I stopped writing on this blog quite quickly. There wasn’t so much dedication, was there?

Yes, I was travelling. And yes, I was unwell for a period of time. But I know that these are excuses and not reasons.

This is because the ‘starting and stopping’ is a recurring pattern, so I’m inclined to pursue the reasons why I start a project only to stop shortly after starting it.

It’s not that I can’t. I can. But I don’t. Am I lazy? Possibly. But I do commit to and fulfil deadlines for other people, in work or other situations. So why don’t I do things for me?

Maybe the question should be changed from what is stopping me, to what is blocking me?

Am I afraid of failure? Am I afraid of success? What is stopping me from pursuing and achieving my goals and dreams?

Then, I noticed something. Which may be relevant or it may not. This piece is a really a reflection-in-action. A musing.

Recently, I’ve been back at home, spending time with my mother and helping her adjust to the increasing frailty of older years. And what I noticed is that she often seemed surprised that I could do things. That I had sensible ideas. Yes, well …

Of course, the effects of one’s early years on our lives is well known. But we often don’t observe or become aware of these influences. The expectations of family, teachers, and other people can shape our own. They even help shape our ‘destiny’, and who we become.

My question to myself is, is realisation alone enough to shift personal expectations and an awareness of who I am and who I can be?

Let’s see …